Self-immolation, assassinations, exhumations

Child beatings for Russian rap, extraterritorial onlyfans tax evasion, embezzled Mediterranean islands, political repressions and FSB killers after Dmitry Gordon

First of all, some much-needed humor. One of Ukraine’s most beloved idiots is Dmitry Gordon.

This Russian-speaking Kievan made his fortune in the 2000s through multi-level marketing schemes promising to cure cancer, and by organizing ‘seances’ with mystical healers such as Anatoly Kashpirovsky. As you can see in the video below from 2001, naive Soviet citizens fainted by the dozens when touched by the great Kaspirovsky. Turn on the sound for the full experience. Gordon warns the audience: In no circumstances stand up. Make way in the middle.

Here you can see a music video by the great musician Yura Bardash parodying Kaspirovsky. Bardash, now living in Russia (born in the Donbass, he built his career in Kyiv in the post-2014 period) was sanctioned in April by Zelensky for his critical views towards contemporary Ukraine:

Anyway, back to the great Gordon. Nowadays, he is most well-known for his endless interviews with politicians and celebrities, filled with Gordon’s strange humor and Cheshire smile.

It seems that these activities, along with Gordon’s daily announcements since 2022 that the Russian economy is about to collapse and Putin will die of cancer, have earned him the Kremlin’s ire. Here’s what he had to say on May 1:

I don't go shopping. The SBU [Ukrainian security services] doesn't allow me to go shopping. Actually, they don't allow me to go anywhere. Because of the danger from Putin's Russia. Several groups have already been caught—elite FSB assassins sent to Ukraine on Putin's orders to kill me. That's why I don't live at home. I'm constantly traveling across Ukraine. I don't go to stores or markets. I don't go anywhere at all. I don't drive—I don't even have a car. I'm chauffeured. I'm under state protection. I don't have a bank card. Where would I even use it?

But as you can see from the following fan montages, I think Gordon should be more confident in his own abilities. Or perhaps, his fear is simply a feint to draw unwitting FSB agents into range of his karate kicks:

But Gordon isn’t the only super-patriot at risk from FSB killers. Become a paid subscriber to read about self-immolation, exhumations, beatings for Russian rap, extraterritorial onlyfans tax evasion, embezzled Mediterranean islands, political repressions and failed assassinations.